Tips for a Successful Relationship

Tips for a Successful Relationship Ezell ORR Communication Instructor: Macy Dailey October 17, 2011 ? Dear Jack and Jill, My advice to you for a successful and everlasting relationship is good communication. Without good communication the relationship/engagement will not develop to the next level of marriage. In the beginning your communication was limited to conversations of neutral agreements because of the initial stage of your relationship. Researchers have found that one of the reasons a new relationship is usually so pleasant and friendly is that people emphasize the similarities they have and ignore the differences (Brown & Rogers, 1991). As your relation blossoms the differences in both of you will surface. Some maybe too minute to entertain, and can be easily overlooked or digested. Constant differences amongst partners that are everyday habits can be discussed and settle without harming the relationship. Disregarding or overlooking major concerns such as, financial matters, sexual preferences, and raising of children can be harmful to the relationship if not handle properly. Counseling may be recommended or advisable in most cases. Every relationship is different, no two relationship are the same. As the relationship unfolds and you both begin to know each other better, you will begin to release information to the other which was somewhat private at the start of the relationship. The most important characteristic of a deep interpersonal relationship is the self-disclosure of our innermost thoughts and feelings (Roeckelein, 1998). When you both begin to exchange personal information, building trust and confidence that is a sign that the relationship is progressing. As the relationship progresses you will be more incline to disclose more of your identity. Self Disclosure is sometime give-and-take, where both parties have equal risk when disclosing personal information. Shared disclosures will increase the vulnerability to being hurt or disrespected by others, and the fact that you both have devoted so much of yourself may make it complicated to break the bond you all have together. Forming a relationship with someone is not like what you see on TV. Communication problems can surface and disrupt the relationship or even bring it to an end. Certain behaviors can really ruin a relationship. Being silent, nice, and playing games; these behaviors can damage a relationship and stand In the way of trust. Everyone tends to be silent at times, but lengthy silence is not good for the relationship. Refusing to talk to someone is frequently a means of controlling the other person or exerting power in a relationship. If it is prolonged, it can even be a form of psychological abuse (Chang, 1996). It is best to try and talk things out oppose to not talking at all. You know the old saying â€Å"time heals everything† so sometime it is better to let things along for a while if both of you understands that there is a problem. Another area of concern is being too nice or being overly agreeable. Don’t put yourself in a position where you would rather let someone have their way or just take the blame to make the problem go away. Playing Games will also destroy a relationship. In 1964, Eric Berne wrote a best-selling book titled Games People Play, which describes how people sometimes have ulterior motives. He called these strategies â€Å"games† (Berne, 1996). He defined games as a dysfunctional way of communicating, and it is a negative pattern of interacting that can develop between people. Berne said, â€Å"In most cases, the participants of the game are unaware that they are playing; they have simply developed a pattern of interacting that is not constructive or useful in growing the relationship†. Playing games at the expense of someone’s feelings is never a good thing. Relationships can easily take a turn for the worst when games are involved. The games will terminate when one of you decides to stop playing. The end result of playing games is that sometimes ends with one person becoming angry or upset. Berne also states that â€Å"regardless of the strategy, open and honest communication can prevent the continuation of a game and its effects on the parties involved. It is best to not play games and let the relationship run its course without any kind of interruptions. ? Another component of having a successful relationship is being a good listener. Everybody who can speak, read, and write were taught to achieve these three components through parenting and school. We take classes in reading, writing, or even speaking but we rarely hear of someone taking classes in listening. You cannot understand others, respond appropriately to what they say, and provide helpful feedback if you have not listened (Hayes, 1991). Listening is one of the most important factors in interpersonal communication. One study estimated that 45 percent of all communication time is spent listening, compared with 30 percent speaking, 16 percent reading, and 9 percent writing (Hayes, 1991). Most people are also generally inefficient listeners; they tend to forget rather quickly what has been said. Within 48 hours, we forget about 50 percent of that information, for an overall retention of about 25 percent efficiency (Lee & Hatesohl, 1993). Most people think that hearing is listening, but much more is involved than just hearing something and waiting for it to get transmitted to your brain to be interpreted. Effective listening is a process that requires six distinct components: (1) motivating yourself to listen, (2) clearly hearing the message, (3) paying attention to the message, (4) correctly interpreting the message, (5) evaluating the message, and (6) remembering and responding appropriately (Adair, 2003). You all must learn to be motivated and have an open mind and be willing to gain something from one another. During conversation between the two of you make sure you can hear each other clearly without any interruption. Virginia Satir (1976) suggests that when you do not clearly hear the speaker, you often make up what you think the other person said. We tend to make an assumption and then hold the other person responsible for not communicating effectively. Paying Attention is another means of effective listening. Messages are sent by verbal and nonverbal means. To be an effective listener you must give your undivided attention to both verbal and nonverbal messages. Never jump to conclusion, let the other party finish their thoughts before you intervene to ensure that you have interpreted the message correctly. ? Interpreting the wrong message or signal can result in causing an interpersonal conflict. Being able to indentify conflict and handle it without incident will improve your relationship. Daniel Dana, a pioneer in the field of mediation, suggested that four factors must be present for a disagreement to be considered a conflict: Two people are interdependent; they each need something from the other. Both parties blame the other or find fault with them for causing the problem. One or more of the parties is angry or emotionally upset. The parties’ behaviors are affecting their relationship with each other and/When conflict emerges, tension are high, and the relationship can be put in jeopardy if not resolved as soon as possible. In all relationships, whether friendly, romantic, or family, conflict is unavoidable. Conflict can be hazardous to your health because it has the potential to get out of control, but it can also have value that can reinforce the relationship. Researchers Patricia Noller and Judith Feeney (2002) reported that some conflict may actually be good for a marriage over time and can lead to the personal growth of both parties if the negative communication is aimed at the other person’s specific behavior and not at the whole person. Another scholar from Harvard University reported that conflict has other value as well. He noted, in businesses and other organizations, conflict increases the necessity to accomplish tasks, it helps people understand their positions because it brings issues out into the open and forces them to support their arguments, and it gives all parties to the conflict a greater awareness of their own identities. Walton also suggested that conflict can help people be more creative in finding solutions to problems. Avoiding conflict is always better than promoting conflict. Sometimes it is best to get away and let the air clear. When emotions are high and tensions are peaking, a little space between each other will relax the atmosphere. I am not saying to just â€Å"sweep it under the rug† and hope it just go away. However, researchers found that the pattern that indicates a relationship is failing is that angry words are exchanged, the anger escalates, and then the withdrawal occurs. In other words, in falling relationship, negative emotions overwhelm the interaction between the parties, who then withdraws from each other (Zautra, 2003). Psychotherapist and author Virginia Satir suggests that we are initially attracted to people because of what we have in common with them, but we grow on the basis of our differences (Aatir, 1976). When you first meet someone you try and field them out. For a relationship to develop, you must have some initial interest. Some people will ask questions about another person, or they will watch someone to see if they meet the physical qualification. Some may listen to how someone speaks, there are several different techniques we use to gather information about someone whom we may be attracted to or want to get to know better. Theorists believe that several factors may influence your attraction to certain people. These factors are physical proximity, physical attractiveness, perceived gain, and similarities and differences (Hartley, 1999). Physical attractiveness is one of the first thing most people explore prior to entertaining a relationship. Some like their mate to be slim, some like them to be a little on the heavy side, some like them to be tall, short, or even short and round. Psychologists have found, however, that you are strongly influenced by prototypes of the idea male and female form as portrayed by media in our culture (Cattarin, Thompson, Thomas, & Williams, 2000). Some people is attracted to others because of what they think they can gain from being in the company of superstars or other high ranking individuals. Do you find yourself associating with people because who they are, or what you think they have and maybe you could be a part of it, in other words, you just want to be seen with someone who you believe you can benefit from. You have probably heard the saying, â€Å"Birds of a feather flock together. †Which saying is true? According to researchers, both are accurate (Hartley, 1999). It is good to know someone of importance or someone who is a superstar, but trying to put yourself in a position to gain something thru someone else’s fame, it just not worth the trouble. If you grew up with someone who have recently gain fame and fortune and you wish to associate yourself with them and they welcome your interest that will be entirely up to you. Emotional Intelligence is another area you should be familiar with to have a successful relationship. Knowing how to manage, communicate, and understand emotional feelings. Emotional Intelligence is similar to emotional health, the higher your emotional intelligence-the higher your emotional health is. Emotional health allows you to stay in touch with your own feelings while you are exposed to the feelings of others. It also enables you to handle life’s emotional setbacks in a healthy manner instead of taking your feelings on others (Segal, 1997). Emotional intelligence has three components: (1) the ability to effectively perceive, communicate, and manage negative emotions; (2) the ability to experience, communicate, and ustain positive emotions; and (3) the ability to retain perspective during difficult times and to recover following stressful events (Zautra, 2003). Most positive and negative feeling you encounter is a condition of your thoughts and your interpretation of events within the relationship. Psychotherapist and author Richard Carlson (1997) suggests that you think of negative thoughts similar to the way you think about your dreams. Y ou may awaken and be upset about something that occurred in a dream. But you understand that dreaming is merely thinking while you are asleep, and you dismiss the negative dream because you realize that it is not reality. The negative thoughts you have while awake also seem real, but they are not necessarily the truth. You can dismiss them like bad dreams and not allow them to spiral out of control until they ruin an entire day or even a lifetime. When negative thoughts assail you, Carlson suggests you remind yourself of the following: â€Å"We all produce a steady stream of thoughts, twenty-four hours a day. . . Pick and choose which thoughts you wish to react to â€Å". Everybody has different moods happiness. You can be happy and be in a good mood, or you can be mad or sad about something and keep your feelings inside and you can appear to be in a good mood. Moods are simply a part of being human, and being able to understand these moods oppose to letting them get the best of you will help you manage conflict. When you are in a good mood, everyth ing look good, you feel good, and life if great. However, a bad mood can ruin your day and the people around you. We know that words are not things; they are merely symbols that represent things. So as linguist Robin Tolmach Lakoff asks, â€Å"How can something that is physically just puffs of air, a mere stand-in for reality, have the power to change us and our world? †(Lakoff, 2001). Words are very powerful, they can cause pain, damage, excitement, and they can inspire you. Words are magical in the way they affect the minds of those who use them. â€Å"A mere matter of words,â€Å" we say contemptuously, forgetting that words have power to mould men’s thinking, to canalize their feeling, to direct their willing and acting. Conduct and character are largely determined by the nature of the words we currently use to discuss ourselves and the world around us. (Huxley, 1940). One of the first things children do when they first learn language is to identify parts of their bodies such as their eyes, mouths, or toes. They can say a word and touch the body part at the same time, so they tend to think that words have direct correlation with objects in the physical world. Thus, as children, and then as adults, we are misled into thinking th;at this item or object is what the word â€Å"means. Because we communicate with others, and they understand us, the word must mean the same to everyone else as it does to us (Kreidler, 1998). Words can mean different things to different people. Words are symbols, and they do not have the same meaning to everyone. Words reflect attitude, some words can be offensive to some cultures and less offensive to others. When words are interpret wrong it can caused confusion and proble ms. The meaning you interpret from a message is always personal and is the result of many factors including your personality and experiences. Communication always occurs in a context, so the meaning of a message often depends on the context of the communication. ? References Satir, V. (1976). Making Contact. Millbrae, CA: Celestial Arts. Zautra, A. J. (2003). Emotions, stress, and health. Cary, NC: Oxford University Press. Segal, J. (1997). Raising your emotional intelligence: A practical guide. New York: Henry Holt. Huxley, A. (1940). Words and Their Meanings. Los Angeles, CA: The Ward Ritchie Press. Hartley, P. (1999). Interpersonal communication. Florence, KY: Routledge. Lakoff, R. T. (2010). Language war. Ewing, NJ: University of California Press. Cattarin, J. A. , Thompson, J. K. , Thomas, C. , & Williams, R. (2000). Body image, mood, and televised images of attractiveness. The role of social comparison. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 19(2), 220–239. Retrieved, March 9, 2011, from Pro–Quest Research Library. doi: 55606627. Lee, D. , & Hatesohl, D. (1993). Listening: Our most used communication skill. CM 150, Communications. University of Missouri Extension. Retrieved December 5, 2010, from http://extension. missouri. edu/publications/DisplayPub. aspx? P=CM150?